I love jokes about accountants so if you know of a good one (or bad one) that's not on this list please email it to me at: joe@josephmadden.com

"The avoidance of taxes is the only pursuit that still carries any reward."
John Maynard Keynes

Q. What is Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (GAAP)?
A. It's the difference between accounting theory and practice.

This sign was seen on a tobacco store: "We collect taxes -- federal, state, and local. We also sell cigarettes as a sideline."

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well!

Client: What's the difference between the short form and the long form?

Accountant: If you use the short form, the IRS gets all your money. If you use the long form, I get all your money!

"A taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government but who doesn't have to take a civil service examination." Ronald Reagan

An accountant who is traveling through Europe is asked, "What do the colors of your flag stand for?"

The accountant replies: "Taxes. We get red when we think about 'em, white when we find out how much we owe, and blue when we pay up."

Question: How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: There's a tax-deductible convention in Honolulu that answers this very question!

What did the psychiatrist say to the IRS agent?

"Stop pitying yourself. Everyone on earth does NOT hate you. Maybe everyone in the US does, but there's no way that everyone on earth feels that way!"

What's the difference between an optimist, a pessimist, and an accountant?

To the optimist, the glass of water is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass of water is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass of water is twice as big as it needs to be.

'Every tax question has an answer that is straightforward, simple and WRONG!'

Two accountants are heard passionately arguing about "Capital Punishment." Both agree: the income tax is murder!"

A professor of taxation delivers a highly detailed, brilliant lecture drawing the distinction between tax avoidance and tax evasion. He then asks his brightest student, "Tell us succinctly what the difference is between tax avoidance and tax evasion." The student replies: "Jail."

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

"Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten." (Lord Bramwell)

'Trial Balance' really means 'TRY to balance'

'Return on Investments is optimistic. Return of investments is realistic.'

The tax accountant just finished reading the tale of Cinderella to his daughter. The little girl loved the story and asked, "Daddy, when the pumpkin becomes a golden coach, would that be income or a capital gain?"

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
The taxidermist takes the skin, but the tax collector takes it all!

What does CPA stands for?

"Computerized Personal Assistant!"
"Cleaning, Pressing, and Alterations"
"Cut, Paste, and Assemble"
"Can't Pass Again"

"Can't Promise Anything"

"Can't Please Anyone"

"Couldn't Pass Accounting"

"Constantly Protecting ASSets"

"Car Parking Attendant"

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Dear IRS:
  Enclosed is my 1999 tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached newspaper article and you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600 for a toilet seat.   Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429. Please note the overpayment of $22 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above-mentioned fund a 1.5-inch screw. (See attached article: HUD paid $22 for a 1.5-inch Phillips head screw.)   It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Did you ever notice that an expression that starts with "only" and ends with "million" most often involves government spending?

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too!

A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone. "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge. "No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."

Pastor Thurman answers his phone. "Hello, is this Pastor Thurman?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Pete Kloppers?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000?"
"He will."

A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you say that?" asked the broker. "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we also deliver."

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

What does an accountant do for birth control?
He talks about his business.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?  Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?
He has a loophole named after him.

Why did the accountant fall asleep before he died?
His life flashed before his eyes.

Old bookkeepers never die - They just lose their balance.

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the Income Tax."
-- Albert Einstein

"If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil."
-- J. Paul Getty

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
-- Jay Leno

"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip."
-- Advertisement

"It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required."
-- Anonymous

"People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women."
-- Anonymous